A Reading from the Book of Resurrection:
One score and two years ago, The Toastmen entered the
Light, and God said that they were awesome.
The Critics, well, some of them had their minds
clouded by Satan, so they had mixed opinions.
The Toastmen climbed from the primordial ooze in A.D.
1985 to the heights of rock n roll: chaotic performances,
groupies, goofball radio interviews, free soup, and a line of designer
bathrobes and pajamas. Most people assumed they broke up in 1987,
since the band had announced that, but in fact they were deep frozen,
shot into space, and served to astronauts as Hot Pockets, or, in
a nod to their rock past, Höt Pöckettes. Thus they remained on the
Immortal Plain of peace and prosperity (think sex and drugs and rock n
roll, but without the hangovers) for nigh on two decades. But
when the sixth generation of Menudo members sealed another record
deal, it was only the sixth sign of the Apocalypse. The seventh sign is
the return of The Toastmen.
And so in the Year of Our Toast Two Thousand and
Seven, The Toastmen Dave "This Guitar Is My Blood" Brigham, Jim
"Bass-o-Manic" Corrigan, Pete "Go Shout It on the Mountain" Duchesne, Ken "You're The Jesus of My Religion" Tretler, and Brian "Big Drummer Boy"
Zawodniak will return to the Stage. They will bring forth the Rock and
perhaps the Roll to generations young and old fans, rocking them all and
letting God sort them out.
Peace be unto you. But not for long, because today you
skank, and tomorrow ...
The Toastmen like to have fun. We are all about the
enjoyment of our followers, er, we mean our fans enjoying themselves.
Yet, how to describe our sound?
Homo death rock? Acoustic techno fusion? Electro
clash? Country rock? Nerdcore hip-hop? Hardcore? Queercore?
Psychedelic? Blues? AM pop? Tibetan Buddhist chanting?
Yes, no, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, huh?
The Toastmen are on a crusade. Despite the efforts of
the federal government, 10,000 nuns and orphans, Madonna, and the
icy scythe of death hanging over all five members, the Toastmen will
continue to push their agenda and twist the collective psyche of
the masses. Or psych out the massive collective agenda, or something.
You will not stop us. We will play again. It will happen soon.
Express your support for The Toastmen. Send us mail, money,
indecent pictures of yourself, or better yet indecent pictures
of someone attractive. Send us your first-born children so we can
sell them on eBay and turn them into cold, hard cash to buy more
distortion pedals and drumsticks. Really, what better legacy could your
children hope for?
But seriously, thank you for your support.
Check out the archival footage of The Toastmen playing "Southern Baptist" & "Drain The Life" on our video page.
Last Updated 02/08